Talking to Your Partner About Past Traumas: A Guide for Engaged Couples
As you plan your future together, discussing your past can be both an opportunity for growth and a daunting challenge. Sharing past traumas with your spouse-to-be is a delicate process that requires self-awareness, preparation, and a safe space.
We spoke with Braquelle Murphy—an EMDR Therapist, Animal-Assisted Psychotherapist, and Couples Therapist at Dazed Therapy—to explore how couples can approach this important conversation.
Are You Ready to Talk About Your Trauma?
Before discussing past traumas, it’s crucial to assess your own readiness. According to Braquelle, “It's important to check in with your own body before sharing trauma. If the trauma is feeling unprocessed, dysregulating, and overwhelming to you, it will most likely feel that way to your partner. It's important that you feel grounded and present when sharing information about your past because that's when you can actually connect and feel safe with your partner in the room.”
Readiness also depends on the state of your relationship. Braquelle highlights the importance of mutual trust, boundary respect, and timing: “Consider where they are at. If they have had a really stressful workday and are in the middle of decompressing after work, they get to have a boundary and ask to have that conversation with you another day. Your trauma can bring up their trauma. So check in with them beforehand.” These considerations lay the groundwork for a safe and supportive conversation.
Constructive Strategies for Discussing Traumas
When sharing your story, preparation ensures the conversation strengthens your relationship rather than overwhelming it. Braquelle explains that “the person disclosing the trauma may need to do some work before having the conversation. This may look like therapy, going to support groups, or some personal reflection. Again, it's really about being able to stay present and connected to the person in front of you.”
Equally important is regulating your emotions during these discussions. Braquelle emphasizes: “Check in with your ability to regulate yourself in conflict. Consider if you have that skill. It can feel challenging to have those conversations if your partner is solely responsible for regulating you. That would feel overwhelming to them; it's also unfair. Aim for co-regulation and connection during these conversations.”
By ensuring both partners remain present and grounded, the discussion can become a shared experience of growth and understanding.
How EMDR Therapy Can Support Your Journey
For individuals struggling to process their past traumas, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy can be an invaluable resource. Braquelle shares that, “EMDR can resolve the disturbance in the body and can lead to a positive cognitive shift. Doing this work beforehand can ensure that you're feeling grounded and present when you share.”
By addressing unresolved feelings through therapeutic techniques like EMDR, a psychotherapy treatment that aims to alleviate the symptoms associated with traumatic memories, you can approach the conversation with greater clarity and emotional stability. This not only benefits you, but also ensures your partner is receiving a version of your story that feels manageable for them to hear and support.
What If Your Partner Reacts Negatively?
A partner’s initial reaction may not always align with your hopes. Braquelle suggests focusing on creating a validating space for yourself: “I think the first step would be to create a space for yourself where you can be validated and heard. This might be therapy, a support group, or even a personal reflection that involves journaling or art.
Negative reactions may stem from your partner’s own unresolved feelings. “The partner that is reacting negatively may also need that [validation and support] before a connecting and present conversation can occur between both partners.” Compassion and patience are essential for navigating this process, allowing space for both of you to process and move forward together.
Communication Techniques for Safe Conversations
Having the right tools can make these discussions feel safer and more productive. Braquelle recommends beginning with a mutual check-in: “Check in beforehand to ensure both partners are in the place to have a conversation. Respect each other's boundaries. If you want, have a neutral code word to use if you or your partner needs a break.”
Active listening is equally important for the partner hearing the trauma. Braquelle advises, “Put away the distractions and be present. Show that you're listening by giving nonverbal cues like eye contact and nodding in agreement. Give verbal cues like ‘mhmm,’ ‘that's interesting,’ ‘I understand,’ ‘I hear you,’ and ‘I’m with you.’ Encouraging further sharing with prompts like ‘What are your thoughts about…?’ or 'How did you feel when…?’ can help deepen the dialogue.”
Vulnerability and Building Trust
Opening up about past traumas is a profound act of vulnerability, which can strengthen trust between partners. Braquelle explains: “Vulnerability in a relationship can deepen the emotional connection and trust within the relationship. Being consistently vulnerable builds a shared understanding of each other and fosters an environment of empathy and compassion.”
At the same time, respecting boundaries ensures the conversation remains constructive. “Check in with each other. Verbalize boundaries when the conversation is feeling too overwhelming or it's not the right time to share. Take breaks as needed and come back to the conversation when both partners are feeling regulated.” This balance of openness and respect lays the foundation for a resilient and connected partnership.
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Navigating conversations about past traumas is no easy task, but with preparation, empathy, and the right tools, these discussions can deepen the bond between you and your spouse-to-be. By following Braquelle Murphy’s expert advice, couples can approach these conversations with care, ensuring they build a relationship rooted in trust, respect, and mutual understanding as they prepare for their life together.
