Resolving Couples Conflict: Healthy Communication Techniques From a Therapist

Picture this: you're knee-deep in wedding planning, the stress is mounting, and suddenly, you and your partner find yourselves arguing over the most trivial details. Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but how you handle it can make all the difference.

To help you navigate these rough patches, we’ve spoken with the experts for the best tips on resolving couples’ conflicts constructively: Dr. Molly Burrets, a clinical psychologist and adjunct professor in the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at the University of Southern California, and Racheal Turner, an Arizona-based therapist at Turning Point Counseling.

Active Listening: The Foundation of Effective Communication

Active listening is a cornerstone of resolving couples' conflicts. It involves truly hearing and understanding your partner’s perspective without immediately jumping to your own defence. According to Dr. Molly Burrets, “Active listening involves fully concentrating on what your partner is saying, without interrupting or formulating a response while they speak. It requires acknowledging their feelings, reflecting back what you heard, and asking clarifying questions. This approach fosters understanding and shows your partner that you value their perspective. One of the keys to active listening is that you’re not formulating your own response while your partner is talking. Rather, you’re fully immersed in what they are saying.”

Start by giving your partner your full attention, and putting aside distractions like phones or laptops. Reflect back on what you’ve heard to confirm understanding, using phrases like, “What I’m hearing is…” This shows that you’re engaged and value their feelings.

Racheal Turner added how couples should “listen to understand, not just to respond. This is something I emphasize with clients who struggle with communication in their relationships. True listening isn’t just about hearing words; it’s about being fully present and genuinely wanting to understand your partner's perspective. It means setting aside your own thoughts and reactions to make space for what your partner is really saying. This deep level of listening fosters connection and can transform the way you interact with each other.”

Throughout all of this, remember to practice empathy by trying to put yourself in their shoes. This can help de-escalate tensions and foster a deeper connection.

Expressing Yourself Clearly and Kindly

Clear and kind communication is essential for resolving couples’ conflicts. Use “I” statements to express your feelings without blaming your partner, such as “I feel overwhelmed when…” rather than “You always make me feel…” This helps in taking responsibility for your emotions and reduces defensiveness.

Racheal Turner noted, “Instead of falling into the trap of blaming or accusing, focus on how you feel and what you need. For example, instead of saying, ‘You never listen to me,’ try, ‘I feel unheard when I’m sharing something important.’ This shift not only reduces defensiveness but also invites a more open and constructive conversation. It’s not just about being clear—kindness and respect are just as important. When you approach tough conversations with a calm and respectful tone, you’re more likely to be heard and understood.”

Dr. Molly says that “expressing yourself clearly means articulating your thoughts and feelings in a straightforward and honest manner, while maintaining respect and kindness. Use ‘I’ statements to avoid sounding accusatory, and focus on how you feel and what you need, rather than criticizing your partner.”

She further explained that, “when communicating your concerns, [one should also] avoid using ‘always’ and ‘never’ statements! For example, ‘You’re always late!’ or ‘You never make plans for us to go out!.’ The minute you use an always/never expression, you’re putting your partner on the defensive and setting yourself up for them to tell you about that one time that they did what you say they never do. It backfires!”

Dr. Molly also provided some examples of what not to say, such as: “You never return my texts when you’re at work or out with friends. It’s obvious you’re not thinking about me and don’t really care.” Instead, you could say something like: “I sometimes feel insecure when I text you, and you don’t respond for the whole day. Even just a quick note to say ‘hi’ would go a long way toward reassuring me that I matter to you, even if you’re really busy at work or out with friends.”

Be specific about what’s bothering you instead of making generalizations. This specificity allows for more targeted discussions and solutions. Maintain a calm and respectful tone, even when discussing difficult topics, to keep the conversation productive and avoid hurtful exchanges.

Finding Common Ground

Finding common ground can transform conflicts into collaborative problem-solving sessions. Focus on shared goals and values, reminding yourselves why you’re together and what you’re working towards as a couple. This perspective shift can help see each other as allies rather than adversaries. Look for solutions that satisfy both partners' needs, creating win-win scenarios.

According to Dr. Molly Burrets, “Finding common ground involves identifying shared values, goals, or interests that you both care about. In conflict, it’s normal to focus on the pain points—the areas where you disagree. Rarely are people so diametrically opposed that they can’t identify any shared perspectives. So by consciously focusing on the parts that you’re in agreement about, couples can bridge gaps in understanding and work collaboratively towards solutions that benefit both parties.”

Racheal Turner further explained that finding common ground is essential for a thriving relationship. The three crucial elements to help you and your partner connect more deeply include:

“Honesty and Assertiveness: It’s vital to be honest about your needs and assertive in communicating them. This doesn’t mean being demanding, but rather, being clear and open about what’s important to you. When both partners feel safe to express their needs, you build a foundation of trust and security. If your partner can’t or won’t meet those needs, it’s worth considering whether this relationship is truly serving you.

“Vulnerability: Vulnerability is the gateway to intimacy. I know this can be tough—being vulnerable feels risky, but it’s the only way to let your partner really see you. When you share your true self, flaws and all, you create a deeper emotional connection. This vulnerability also reassures your partner that they can trust you with their own vulnerabilities, creating a safe space where you both feel fully accepted.

“The Three R’s: Respect, Responsiveness, and Reliability: These are the pillars of a healthy relationship. Respect means valuing your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and boundaries, especially during conflicts. Responsiveness shows your partner that their needs and emotions matter to you, which strengthens the bond between you. Reliability is about being consistent—when your actions align with your words, you create a sense of security that is vital for long-term trust.”

Compromise is key. Be willing to give and take, showing flexibility and understanding. This approach helps resolve the immediate conflict while also strengthening your partnership.

Taking Breaks When Needed

Sometimes, the best way to resolve conflict is to take a step back. If discussions become too heated, agree to take a break and revisit the issue later when both of you are calmer. This prevents saying things you might regret and gives you time to reflect on your feelings and responses. Use this time to engage in activities that relax and centre you, such as a walk, meditation, or listening to music.

Racheal Turner suggested that “sometimes, emotions can overwhelm us, and when that happens, it’s okay—actually, it’s necessary—to take a step back. I often tell my clients that taking an emotional break isn’t about avoiding the issue; it’s about giving yourself the space to process your feelings before you continue the conversation. This practice helps prevent saying things in the heat of the moment that you might regret later. When you let your partner know, “I need some time to process this,” you’re not abandoning the relationship. Instead, you’re showing that you care enough to come back to the conversation with a clear head and a calm heart.”

Adding to this, Dr. Molly Burrets noted that “taking emotional breaks when needed means recognizing when a discussion is becoming too heated or overwhelming and agreeing to step back temporarily. Couples therapists call this the ‘time out technique.’ This allows both partners to cool down and reflect, preventing further escalation and promoting a more productive conversation later.”

She explains that “the key to success with this technique is twofold. First, during the break, don’t just stew and obsess about the conflict. Do something soothing to regulate your difficult feelings (exercise is often a great option!). Secondly, you have to commit to coming back to the topic and identify a time to do so. If you don’t, this technique just becomes a strategy for avoidance.”

When you reconvene, approach the conversation with a fresh perspective and renewed patience.

Seeking External Support

Don’t hesitate to seek external support if conflicts seem insurmountable. When it comes to reaching out beyond your bubble of two, Dr. Molly Burrets said, “Seeking external support is crucial when conflicts become too complex or intense to resolve on your own. Reach out to a qualified therapist, counsellor, or mediator who specializes in relationship issues. Many therapists work with couples, but don’t actually have specialized training in this work, so you should feel empowered to ask them what their training and experience with couples is.”

She also notes that while “trusted friends or family members can also provide perspective and support, it’s important to remember that most people carry bias about hot topic issues; so, any support or guidance you receive is likely to reflect that person’s own experience and self-interest. Professional help is often most effective for deep-seated issues.”

Racheal Turner continued, “I’m a firm believer that every couple can benefit from external support, even if things seem fine on the surface. Therapy isn’t just for when things are falling apart—it’s a proactive way to strengthen your relationship. I work with couples who are looking to enhance their communication, navigate conflicts, and deepen their connection, even when there’s no immediate crisis. By seeking support before problems escalate, you’re investing in the health of your relationship. This way, when challenges do arise—and they will—you’ll already have the tools and skills to handle them together.”

Couples therapy can provide a safe space to explore deeper issues and learn new communication techniques with the guidance of a professional. A therapist can help identify underlying patterns and offer strategies tailored to your relationship dynamics. Engaging in premarital counselling can also be beneficial, addressing potential areas of conflict before they become problematic.

Trusted friends or family members can also offer perspective and support, but if you take this route, ensure they remain neutral to avoid further complications.

Practicing Forgiveness and Letting Go

Practicing forgiveness is crucial in resolving couples' conflicts and moving forward together. Holding grudges can poison your relationship, while forgiveness fosters healing and growth. Acknowledge mistakes and take responsibility for your actions, showing genuine remorse. This paves the way for meaningful apologies and reconciliationRacheal Turner highlighted how “Forgiveness is tough, and it’s something I see many people wrestle with. It’s important to remember that forgiveness isn’t about excusing someone’s behaviour or pretending everything is okay. It’s about choosing to free yourself from the hold that anger or hurt has on you. This doesn’t mean you have to forget what happened, and it certainly doesn’t mean you have to stay in the relationship if trust has been broken beyond repair. Forgiveness is a process, and it’s okay if it takes time. Whether you choose to continue the relationship or not, letting go is about reclaiming your peace and moving forward in a way that feels right for you.”

Dr. Molly Burrets added that “practicing forgiveness and letting go involves making a conscious decision to release resentment and anger towards your partner. It’s important to note that forgiving doesn't mean forgetting the issue or sweeping it under the rug, but rather choosing to move forward without holding past mistakes against your partner, fostering a healthier and more supportive relationship dynamic. The decision to forgive is highly personal, and cannot be forced.”

Focus on solutions rather than rehashing past issues, which keeps the conversation forward-looking and constructive. Remember, it’s about progress, not perfection—commit to learning from conflicts and improving together.

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Effective conflict resolution is vital for a healthy and happy relationship—including during the stressful period of wedding planning. By practicing active listening, expressing yourself clearly and kindly, finding common ground, taking breaks when needed, seeking external support, and practicing forgiveness, you can navigate conflicts constructively and strengthen your bond.

Embrace these techniques as you prepare for your wedding, ensuring that you and your partner are ready not only for your big day but also for a lifetime of love and understanding.